Thursday, March 08, 2007

Held captive by the inefficient, moronic imbeciles of NTL/Virgin Media. Or. I hate Virgin Media. Or. Why didn't we go with Sky? Or....

I-never-knew-Richard-Branson-before-but-now-I think-I-might-hate-the-Virgin-Media-Collective-enough-to-flee to-competitor-Sky-with-open-arms.

Do any of you feel the same?

After a month long absence from any form of home computing, I thought I would indulge my dwindling readership with gentle tales of drunken buffoonery from the "Booze on the Ouse" festival here in St. Neots. Stu and I got merrily sloshed, picked up these cool beer glasses, and enjoyed our way through pint after pint of Dark Island and Black Adder. Yum. Welcome to the gentle, free days before the incompetent, completely un-service oriented NTL/Virgin Media technicians blundered into our lives.

I won't waste your time, or mine, quite frankly, with the laborious details as I'm still hand-holding these ninnies through the technological marvel we all know as the television. (Even though it is rumored they provide cable service to these new-fangled talking tubes.) Just let me say, and I address this to my fellow Americans here in the United of Kingdoms...

Your technicians will not understand a SCART connection and will leave before they try to wrap their itty bitty minds around it. They will say, "Hey lady, this here American television won't work in England. You have to buy a new one. Don't mean to be rude about it or nothin'."

And because you're new or, perhaps, technologically unaware yourself, you may begin to fret and think, "Holy jamolly, I just bought a $2,200 television for nothing???!!!"

Rest assured, the buffoons at NTL/Virgin are dirty rotten lying dingle-berries. (I would have preferred to say "bastards" but my father informs me that I swear too much, so for his sake, I will try to put other colorful vocabulary in place of said curse words, but I have to say I'm not sure "dingle-berry" is cutting it.) Anyway. Darlings, your SCART connection is fine and will work. How do I know this?

I had to install it myself.

Yes, fine people of America (and England.) After the 24 year-old "supervisor" came to our house and decided that our SCART cable had "too many wires," he left to impress some other hapless Americans/Brits with his technological wizardry. Left alone, I and my many wires set to work, and, lo and behold, I managed to get all the basic channels! Wowzer! Why isn't NTL paying me, I wonder, I wonder? Now, if only we could get the channels we're actually paying for....

What astounds me. What truly, truly astounds me is that service in Bosnia, broadband service, customer service in Bosnia, was light years ahead of the service we are currently receiving in England. People were professional. There was actual accountability. How is it possible that first-world England is so far behind second-world, still-getting-its-act-together, Bosnia? How?

On that note, I just have one thing to say to you, Virgin Media:

Kiss my yankee grits.

Oh yes, there was one more thing....

Bite me.

Sorry Dad.

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Blogger montchan said...

wow!!! You sound just like me 2 and a half years ago when we moved to Sweden!

Don't worry! After waiting for your broadband (and paying for it) for about 3 months, you will finally fix it yourself.

The technician who came to our house told us he didn't know how to make it work on a Mac.

And don't even get me started on SCART!!!

6:35 AM  
Blogger Doc said...

I just love the words dingle and berry together. Very appropriate.

11:56 AM  

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