Friday, March 16, 2007

How expensive is England?

I came very close to selling my soul for a bottle of supermarket-brand maple syrup.

It better be worth it.

And for something completely different....

Beer, and it's a bit peculier...

I love to drink in England.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Of pork pies and driving lessons...

After a month in this United of Kingdoms, the huz and I took the leap and bought...Drum roll, please...

A pork pie.

And not just any pork pie, ladies and gents. We bought the gastronomic equivalent of a Rolls Royce with this Waitrose Sunday Special....

And it really wasn't good. At all.

I am now of the opinion that the pork pie is something to be endured rather than enjoyed. My stomach doth protest. Too much.

And so we now turn to driving lessons.

I hate driving. I have nightmares where the car spins spectacularly out of control, and I crash into people, signs, buildings...It's horrifying. But. Now I live in the sticks, I feel as though I have no choice. And so begins the driving lessons. (Here, I must admit, I do have a driver's license acquired back when I was 17. I am not a total novice. Just a bit of a freak.)

Luckily, the huz is a patient and virtually shock-proof teacher. Take today, for example. Even though I almost drove our Volkswagen Rabbit through our kitchen, he remained almost virtually unfazed. Almost. (Like any sixteen year-old new to driving, I became conflustered and confused the gas with the brake. I'm still shaking, and I can only imagine the images that will visit me tonight in my dreams.)

So. Good people of America, of Britain. Pray for me, that I might not be found in a twisted wreck of metal. In a ditch. Outside the beautiful scenic village of [insert here].

Pray real hard.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Held captive by the inefficient, moronic imbeciles of NTL/Virgin Media. Or. I hate Virgin Media. Or. Why didn't we go with Sky? Or....

I-never-knew-Richard-Branson-before-but-now-I think-I-might-hate-the-Virgin-Media-Collective-enough-to-flee to-competitor-Sky-with-open-arms.

Do any of you feel the same?

After a month long absence from any form of home computing, I thought I would indulge my dwindling readership with gentle tales of drunken buffoonery from the "Booze on the Ouse" festival here in St. Neots. Stu and I got merrily sloshed, picked up these cool beer glasses, and enjoyed our way through pint after pint of Dark Island and Black Adder. Yum. Welcome to the gentle, free days before the incompetent, completely un-service oriented NTL/Virgin Media technicians blundered into our lives.

I won't waste your time, or mine, quite frankly, with the laborious details as I'm still hand-holding these ninnies through the technological marvel we all know as the television. (Even though it is rumored they provide cable service to these new-fangled talking tubes.) Just let me say, and I address this to my fellow Americans here in the United of Kingdoms...

Your technicians will not understand a SCART connection and will leave before they try to wrap their itty bitty minds around it. They will say, "Hey lady, this here American television won't work in England. You have to buy a new one. Don't mean to be rude about it or nothin'."

And because you're new or, perhaps, technologically unaware yourself, you may begin to fret and think, "Holy jamolly, I just bought a $2,200 television for nothing???!!!"

Rest assured, the buffoons at NTL/Virgin are dirty rotten lying dingle-berries. (I would have preferred to say "bastards" but my father informs me that I swear too much, so for his sake, I will try to put other colorful vocabulary in place of said curse words, but I have to say I'm not sure "dingle-berry" is cutting it.) Anyway. Darlings, your SCART connection is fine and will work. How do I know this?

I had to install it myself.

Yes, fine people of America (and England.) After the 24 year-old "supervisor" came to our house and decided that our SCART cable had "too many wires," he left to impress some other hapless Americans/Brits with his technological wizardry. Left alone, I and my many wires set to work, and, lo and behold, I managed to get all the basic channels! Wowzer! Why isn't NTL paying me, I wonder, I wonder? Now, if only we could get the channels we're actually paying for....

What astounds me. What truly, truly astounds me is that service in Bosnia, broadband service, customer service in Bosnia, was light years ahead of the service we are currently receiving in England. People were professional. There was actual accountability. How is it possible that first-world England is so far behind second-world, still-getting-its-act-together, Bosnia? How?

On that note, I just have one thing to say to you, Virgin Media:

Kiss my yankee grits.

Oh yes, there was one more thing....

Bite me.

Sorry Dad.

Labels: , , , ,